I might just have to cover me up. Okay, you know. Okay, that's. It's a shame. What does that does it cover me up for everybody else then. Yeah. Okay, fine. That's just a lot of time with your eyes closed so yeah it's fine. Okay. True. Yeah. And we do have some other people who haven't turned off their video. Yeah, so I'll go and I'll go ahead and turn it off for those who are still on if you're having a trouble or just click here. Stop video for us if you could. Right. Thank you, sir. Okay. So Claire, so I get that you're already triggered because you couldn't hide your video. But, yeah, welcome and tell me something about what you'd like to work on. Yeah, well I'd like to work on the. I'm struggling with food problems. And I've really noticed in the last few years that the. It seems as though the polarity is really strengthened between the different parts. And I've got some. I've always had a problem with not problem I've always used food to as a regulator my whole life, and then about 12 years ago, when I got divorced. It turned into an addiction I realized after two years that something had changed now. And I couldn't actually stop eating, there seemed to be no control over the things I ate, but it there seemed to be a little. It didn't seem to be so intense in the polarities though but I think I've had some health issues the last couple of years. And there's more pressure that's come in now in these parts that are saying, you need to get this eating sorted out because of your because of my health, and then it seems to have strengthened I think the firefighters and it just feels. Yeah, and I've been in therapy for 30 years but I've never worked with this I just, I've just started IFS last year. And I've just found it really difficult to bring this to therapy to talk about this so it suddenly it just feels in my system it just suddenly feels like now feels like the time today. I'm honored by that. Yeah. You feel safe to do that here. Yeah, it's amazing isn't it to suddenly doing from over 300 people and I can't do it with my therapist but I'm just trusting, I'm just trusting that. Yeah, I think it's a tribute to all the vulnerable sharing people have already done. Yeah, there's no shame in talking about this stuff here. It feels like there's enough self energy in me now to be able to start looking at this but there's a lot there's been a lot of disturbance in my system for the last few hours since I realized I was going to be doing the demo and I think it's the. I think it is the firefighters, I can feel, I can't, you know, just just real disturbance going on. Tell me more disturbance what you're feeling makes it difficult to breathe it's like takes my breath away. It feels like something big is something. Not something big is going to happen but it feels, it just feels so huge that I'm just even talking about it, talking about this because there's been so much shame and so many years of hiding. Yeah, and so it's a big thing. I hear how big it is. And if all we get out of this is that you had the courage to talk about it. That's, that's a big deal anyway so. But you want to start with the one who's so activated in your body. I've been trying to think the last couple of hours what what this part is it just it feels like there's a lot of emotion here. Yeah just focus on the emotion. Tell me how you feel toward that emotional part that's got your body going. I feel I feel curious because I don't I don't quite understand is it an exile or is it is itself that just feels a relief about finally having the courage to do this so I feel curious. And so let's ask the part who's trying to figure that out to give us some space hmm and then just follow your curiosity and ask ask about ask the emotion what what it wants you to know and don't think of the answer just wait until yeah okay so the feeling is that this is about all the suffering that this eating disorder has is causing and has caused it feels like that in showing up somehow it's like I'm it's like knowing there's a wound there but there's something hiding it like a plaster and it's like taking the plaster off and actually really looking and it being real yeah rather than a lot of denial that's normally there's I'm really really good at just shoving it away and denying so this feels the opposite of that that's right so thank that denying part for giving you the space to really look and and see what's real and to actually feel maybe the grief from the damage yeah is that what it is yeah that's that's absolutely what it is yeah so let's just stay with that let's just welcome that grieving part to let you feel what what she's been feeling it's so consuming like any addiction is um just consume so much of my time and um um just affects just really affects a lot of my life um because I'm overweight because of the eating mainly eating chocolate and sweets that's my thing yeah um and so there's a lot of body shame which means that I don't like to socialize I you know I like want to hide away and it stops me doing a lot of it just stops me living in quite a few ways so let this part know that we got how many losses have come with this problem yeah just let it know you get that and that right now we're here to do some work on it for the first time maybe yeah and see how the grieving part reacts to that well when you said that I felt some kind of strength coming I'm not quite sure um how that uh what happened to the grieving part but I felt some kind of strength come in some kind of alignment with what you were saying good yeah so maybe just ask if it's willing to let us work with the eating part the binging part so maybe help it it says yes yeah okay so Claire go ahead and focus on that that part that gives you that impulse to eat and find it in your body around your body it's my mouth and how do you feel toward it as you notice it there uh the immediate feeling is wanting to get rid of it of course but we're going to ask all the parts you know on that side of the table to use uh ceases technique we're going to ask all those parts who want to get rid of it to just relax back and give us the space to help it yeah because trying to get rid of it hasn't really worked very well see if they're willing see if they're willing yeah they are so then focus on it again and tell me how you feel toward it now I feel like I'm I want I want to hear more about it uh so there's some curiosity now yeah so let it know that you're open to learning more about it and just ask what it wants you to know about itself and don't think of the answer just wait and see what comes well I get a really strong sense of the protective element of it that's just a sense of it yeah yeah maybe ask more about that was what's it afraid would happen if it didn't make you eat like that So the first thing that comes is a feeling that I would have to be real. I would have to show up. So if it can keep you eating this way, then you don't have to show up. Yeah, because it's numbing in some way. Yeah, that makes sense. So what's it afraid would happen if you did start to show up? I know it sounds extreme, it feels like I would die. There's quite a strong feeling of terror attached to that. So let it know you get that the stakes are very high, that it really believes you would die if it didn't make you eat all the time. So it's just desperately trying to protect you that way. Yeah, there's a real sense of like the world's not safe. People are not safe actually. Okay, how are you feeling toward it now as you get this? I feel slightly kind of like, whoa, it's just so big and so powerful. So I feel a little bit maybe there's a part here. Yeah, a bit overwhelmed by like, oh my god. But that is a part, Claire, so let's see if that one can give us some space too. And just let that one know it doesn't have to handle this. It can trust you and me to be with this part. That part's like, whoo, just walk off. Leave someone else to deal with it. It's just a little kid. It doesn't have to. Yeah. But how are you feeling toward it now, toward the eating part? Feels like my self-energy now feels like it's stronger again. And there's a feeling of, I don't know, it kind of feels, the only way I can describe it is it feels like I'm equal to it. Good. That's good. But now that you get how terrified it is of not doing this to you, how do you feel toward it? Can you ask me that again, please? Yeah. Now that you understand that it thinks it's saving your life by making you eat all the time, how do you feel toward it? i don't quite feel compassion but i feel um something um i feel softened i feel soft towards it so let it know that yeah that you you uh yeah and if it feels sincere maybe you could apologize to it for trying to get rid of it all this time i don't want you to force that but no no um i just have to be sure i'm not coming from a self-like part i've got some really really skillful self-like parts um yeah make sure it's it's coming from stuff i'm just feeling into my heart area um yeah perfect i'm sorry can you remind me what i was to say to it well only if it feels sincere but sometimes it helps these parts if you could apologize to it for trying to get rid of it all these years i don't know that i can apologize but what i can say is that i feel really sad that um that this part yeah that i've been trying to get rid of this part there's been so much hatred that totally works just let it know that and see how it reacts i don't think it quite knows what to do with that how to react to that yeah no it's very much not used to that so yeah we're just going to stay with that until it can figure out how to react we're just going to extend this this compassion to it for for being in the role of really trying its best to keep you alive and then being attacked for that yeah and i have a sense of this part of being of being really um um kind of um the role that it's taken on is really black and dark and hated and it feels no and it feels in such a contrast to what i'm extending to it now it's like that's right the two things just don't kind of go together we're good we're going to bring them together so just keep doing it okay so that part's very uh lacking in trust that's right that's why we need to keep doing it we're gonna have to earn its trust by just showing up this compassionate way you know it has really good reasons to not trust you because you've been so you've let other parts be so mean to it And this part has such, it's mission, if you like, or mission's the wrong word, it's brief, if you like, is if need be, we'll eat her to death, she'll eat to death, so it's a really strong, we get that, that's true of a lot of these parts, they'd rather have you die that way than be killed by somebody, just let it know that you get how committed it is to that job. And that's all it can see, it's so focused, so blinkered on. That's right, and that's why we're trying to help it connect with you, so it isn't so isolated in there. Claire, I'm so sorry. Can you unmute? I accidentally muted you. I feel like I'm just being here with it with that part now. That's right. That's just right. Just kind of being Perfect. How's it reacting now? Something's changed because it feels like in what I've just verbalized about it, it feels like it's really being seen and understood. So something has changed about it. I'm not quite sure yet how to put that, how to express that. You don't have to. It's just good to hear that it's starting to feel seen and understood rather than vilified. Yeah. And again, if this is all we do today, we've done a lot. So just let it know you're really getting how committed it is to saving you even if it takes killing you. I really suddenly just get how heroic that part is. It's so dedicated to let it know you see that because if I die that part, it's willing to die with you to keep you safe. Yeah. Yeah. So let it know you get it to hero. So I feel like there's another part coming in now. I don't quite know what this is, but it's kind of like just coming in and just sort of saying, oh, wow, what's happening? It's like, oh, wow. But it must be a part because I could feel it come in. It's definitely a part. That's why it's coming in right now. Yeah. So this part's changing now. Actually, what's happened is it's just sat down. I wasn't aware it was standing up. I wasn't aware, but it's somehow relaxed. The eating part you're talking about? Yeah. That part has just somehow, however, the equivalent of sitting down. And ask it if it protects particular other parts of you in there. uh it says yes and ask if we could go to those parts and heal them so they they weren't so hurt or vulnerable or whatever they feel would this one have to do this job as much no and this part is now just saying i just feel really really exhausted of course it's a hell of a job so ask if it'll give us permission to go to the parts it protects so we can heal them It's not quite sure yet. Ask about its fear or reluctance. yeah it feels um it's very very exhausted but it's saying it feels um concerned about what might be in there okay is it concerned that there might be things in there you don't know or what's its concern about what might be in there yeah no it's um it's a good question um don't think though just ask the part wait for it to respond so this part says if i if i let you go in there then i work i might not be able to come in and do my job if needed no that's tell them that's not true that we're not trying to take away its job at all if it's needed but if it does let us heal these parts that job won't be so needed oh okay and ask it this if it was freed up that way liberated from this job what might it like to do instead inside of you Well, it's answered me in the form of like an image of so because it was black before it feels like it's showing me an image of like a black wizard, a wizard in black robes like a wise. Yeah. So we want to free it up so it can be a wizard. How's that sound to it? Yeah, I like the idea of that. Sounds like a better, better deal. Better job. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So ask it again, if it'll let us go to one of these parts that it's been protecting. that says yes. Okay. And then, Claire, as you anticipate that, see if there's any other fear that comes up from other parts. We want to go with permission. So I don't feel I don't feel anything. Okay. They may come in as we go if they have. All right. So ask the eating part to point you to the part that it protects the most. And see where you find that one in your body or around around your body. okay I have a part and it feels in my body kind of feels like it's in the whole of my body that's fine how do you feel toward it as you notice it I'm curious now. Yeah, good. So ask what it wants you to know about itself and just wait for the answer. sorry what was the question again i just ask this part that's in your body what it wants you to know and just wait for the answer all right so this part it wants me to know how um um unsafe she feels okay is it okay to know that clara yeah so tell her you're ready to really get how unsafe she feels and if she's ready to let you know why she feels so unsafe and just again don't think just wait and see what comes she feels very unsafe because she was very uh visible she attracted attention from um men who abused her okay does that make sense yeah so let her know you get why that would feel so unsafe you're starting to feel some of the feelings that come with this yeah I can feel it in my body I can feel that whole body experience of in my nervous system is it okay to feel it yeah so it's not overwhelming I can just feel it so let her know you're ready you're ready to feel it all everything that whole thing was like for her with the man and the abuse whatever she wants you to see and feel and sense about the whole experience I've got this part that's just come in this is my analytical part that's just like let's just come in is just saying oh it's all making sense now and particularly what's been going on the last few weeks it's just needs to kind of rule we're glad it's making sense we wanted to stay out until yeah be a little firm with that tell it to wait till we're done and then we can we can totally go over how it all makes sense and just stay with her go back to her Claire and tell her you really want to get how bad all that was for her it just feels like she just can't exist it feels like she just can't be in her body yeah of course she can't be in her because nowhere is safe that's right these men are everywhere they are actually for her let her know you get that do you get a sense of how old she is Claire Yeah, she's about five. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, so a five year old girl who has to deal with all that of course she's going to be terrified. And of course she's going to think the world is dangerous and people are dangerous. is it okay to say something about the what what she's showing me oh yeah please so um so she was being sexually abused by her grandfather okay who she was living with and um the family broke apart my mother left her mother left and uh she ended up going into foster care and foster homes and eventually ended up in a children's home okay and when she was in the children's home she was then sexually abused by somebody that was working there wow and that's the bit i'm really feeling is that shock of um feeling safe and then the shock of course of um well it's not safe here either yeah the relief of getting away from the grandfather and then finding it's not safe there either yeah so tell her really let you get that shock yeah i can feel that in my body yeah we want to really feel it so tell her to really let you get it so um i just have a sense of how fragmenting that was for her of course of course let her know you get that too I can just see how she latched on to this guy because he reminded her of her grandfather actually. The guy who was abusing her? Yeah, and having had all this disruption and being in foster homes and everything, suddenly she's in a home with somebody that felt familiar. That's right. Like her grandfather, even though he abused her. He used to do all the food and gardening like my grandfather did. So she really just felt... It was just something so... It felt like she could just relax. That's right. She could just relax. That's right. And then, bam! That's right, finally she could relax. She could relax and have... And there was no connections to anybody. My parents had disappeared. There was no connection. So this man at the home who represented... It was like that was my only feeling of something. That's right. Then there's nothing. And then there's nothing. He took her into one of the stables and there's this bump. There's nothing safe after that. Yeah. Let her know you're getting this. I am too. Horrible. Yeah, it's just for her. It's just shattering. I get a sense of how shattering that was. It's great. It's really good. You're getting this Claire. How shocking that was. Of course. I think her grandfather abused her from the time she was really young so she doesn't remember when that started. So there's something about this first time with this guy. What about that? I don't know. There's just something that feels about the shock of it. Yeah, maybe it's resonating with a with a the first time with my grandfather that I don't remember. I don't know. There's just something about that shock. Just stay with the feeling just stay with it. and I can feel in that moment what what she did was she had to just the tightness and the tension in the body yeah is so excruciatingly tight yeah trying to like shut out or stop anything coming in and that seems to fit with the uh with that you know the part that eats to her to try and stop anything coming in there you go that makes sense right so as soon as I say that I feel just a little bit a little bit of ease now in my body good ask her if she does feel like you're getting this now if this is everything she wanted you to get about it about that moment of shock if there's anything else she needs you to know about it or feel or sense I don't know whether it's directly to do with that feeling of shock or whether it's just the immediate aftermath but there's a feeling of I suppose if I put it in IFS language it feels like there's a big burden there now it feels like there's something on her something on her now because now there's I mean I'm putting words into this but the feeling is something about there's now something really I don't want to put words into her mouth but the feeling is now that this is there's now there's this whole big thing now she's got to like manage or be with or carry in some way because there's nobody to tell that's right in fact not only is there nobody to tell it's the opposite of that there's actually fear at fear of anybody knowing yeah that this has just happened to her let her know you get that vine too and that feels like a huge huge weight on her that's right and we're going to unload that shortly i think so yeah it feels very specific okay all right claire so i'm gonna ask you to go into that time and you don't have to go in alone if you don't want but if you're i'd be happy to go with you or somebody else but we're gonna get her out of there so are you ready to go to her yeah i think i might need you to come with me if that's okay i'm more than happy to come so let's the two of us go in and just tell me when you're in there with her and i'm there too um which are we going into when she's inside when it happens or we're going into after it's happened whichever place she's most stuck you can ask her it feels what's really really here is the weight it's the weight of the afterwards of then let's go there and just tell me when we're there together with her okay and how are you being with her well i just i don't quite know what to do um the part of you that doesn't know what to do let's get that one to step out okay yeah that just came in when we but when we went there it's like we're going there to do something yeah so with that one out how what do you want to do with her It just feels like I just want to take her out of there. Well, let's do that. If you need my help, I can help. Either way. No, actually, it feels okay. I feel like I can take her by the hand and I can walk her out of there. Good. And see if she's ready to leave entirely and come to you in your home there or to a fantasy place. Or if there's more she needs us to do back there first. It feels right to bring her here. Okay. So just tell me when she's there with you. Yeah, she's here. That's great. And tell her she never has to go back there now. And you're going to be looking after her there. And with that, see if she's ready to unload this big weight and anything else she's been carrying around all that. i'm not quite sure if i know how she would be ready because that's like adult language um oh uh all you need to do is ask her if she wants to get rid of it okay yeah that's simple yeah she does yeah and where does she carry it on her body or in her body on her shoulders and what would she like to give it up to light water fire wind earth anything else sky all right so tell her to just let it go off her shoulders and let the sky take it okay how does she feel without it how does she feel about it no without it oh without it um light yeah good just she feels like a five-year-old now um not this very heavy way down that's right feeling and tell her if she'd like to she can invite qualities into her body she'd like to have you can just see what comes into her now so playfulness huh so how does she seem now she's kind of shy but she's um she's smiling uh-huh that's great great and she's here uh she's alive uh there's life in her that's right so claire before we stop let's invite that eating party on to see that it doesn't have to protect this one anymore and just see how it reacts Yeah, well it's kind of like looking around for the problem. Yeah. It's like, oh, okay. That problem that was here. Can't find that. Good. Yeah. It feels like there's clear space. So is it ready to shift, or does it need to wait until you've healed the other ones. I think, I think I feel that feels like enough for now. No, no. Yeah. Oh, no more but yeah, that's the eating part. If, if it's ready to shift into. What did it want to be a. Not a magician but what's the word I can't remember a wizard. A wizard. Yeah. Does it now or does it want to wait until you've healed more. Yeah, no, it doesn't want to be a wizard now it says there's more here. Yeah. Well we know about the one who's in shock, and we know about the one the grandfather did so those parts you need to retrieve also probably before it can totally change. And just see if that's right just ask the eating part if that's right. Yeah, and it says there's other parts, there's other things as well. Yeah. Now we're getting that you had a really hard childhood. And this part really stepped up to be the hero to save you. And it can take its time until it really trusted safe to not do this job. But I do feel different in my body I really feel. I feel like there's some relief from the, from that part. Yeah, from that desire to like I will kill you rather than that you get hurt it feels something feels very different. Just ask it about that if it's if it has changed that much. It's getting that it doesn't want to do that job anymore. It doesn't have to you know yeah. Now that you're on it, you know, yeah. Now that you've got what needs to happen. Yeah, may not have to do that at all. Yeah, it's really up to it. I don't know whether this is right or not but I kind of get the feeling that if it does it's going to be a bit hard. This is what we do this is what I've always done, but not quite the same energy or intensity. Does that make sense. Yeah, common. Okay. Okay. I'm around with this. This is new to me. Okay. Now that's, that's quite common and that's fine. You know, okay. It can take its time. And yeah, do it halfheartedly for a while. Yeah. Until it really trust it doesn't have to do it at all. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. Yeah, does that feel complete for now. Yeah. Thank you Claire that was really, really, really moving for me to be with you in there. And I'm so sorry that you had those experiences with those men. Yeah, dreadful. So, and I really appreciate you being willing to share all that with us. It's really up for me at the moment in my life in any way it's just so that's the bit that was saying all you know, it's like, I'm just really talking about the abuse a lot and, you know, so, yeah. Thank you. You're very welcome. And how would it feel to hear from people a little bit before. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah. So let's all come back. Your hands are up already. Yeah, I don't know if you're, you guys had your hands up before. So I want to make sure it's people who want to say something directly to Claire right now. Was that true for you, Beatrice? Okay, well, before the system I'm using. So, um, I'm clear, I would like you to know that I thank you for your vulnerability and your courage to do this. And it touched me in a very special way. And I appreciate the healing work because I have a party that was also sexually abused. So, I did the work along with you. So I would like to let you know that you're not alone. And I appreciate that you give me this opportunity which I did not know beforehand that I did work with you. So I appreciate it. I want you to know that you're not alone. So, really appreciate you. And you are brave, and you're precious. Thank you. I did have my hand raised before with other questions but in case there is enough time I can come back to that. Thank you very much. Beatrice. I'm sorry that happened to you as well. Amber. You have to unmute also. Hi Claire I just wanted to thank you for letting us be a part of that journey that you just took with Dick. And just wanted to let you know that that just takes so much courage and to be able to be in that place. That was pretty amazing and I know I, I learned a lot, and it was definitely a gift for me as a clinician to be able to see, see Dick be able to do that with you and just be able to experience that so I just want to thank you. Thank you, Amber. Mary. Yeah, I'm sorry my hand was for a question but the, it was very powerful, the demonstration I was very, yeah, very powerful. Thank you, Renee. Can you hear me. Yeah. What can I, what can one say. Your work was brilliant. And I've worked so many years, unfortunately, with children and grown ups who've experienced this kind of horror in their lives, and how fortunate you are that you are taking care of yourself in a better way and that hopefully this opens up for you. Some more routes paths to strengthen. And be able to meet those voices and those images that you experienced as a young girl. My, my comments or my statement or my question that I had before was in connection to a patient of mine. We'll wait on that Renee, if you don't mind.

Claire

food addiction

trauma

sexual abuse

therapist

Dick Schwartz

childhood abuse

protective mechanisms

internal family systems therapy